Goodbye Would Hurt Too Much
by rightxhere
Summary: After a particularly rough night against a butt-ugly creature with razor sharp claws and teeth... Dean's visited by an Angel.


**Title: **Goodbye... Would Hurt Too Much**  
><strong>**Author: **Demelza **  
><strong>**Fandom: **Supernatural**  
><strong>**Words: **2,248**  
><strong>**Disclaimer: **Supernatural is the property of the CW, Warner Brothers, Eric Kirpke and all its other owners. I'm just playing with the characters for a little while.**  
>Spoilers:<strong> A smidge of some from season 7 I guess.**  
><strong>**Rating: **O15  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Angst, language, character death  
><strong>Summary:<strong> After a particularly rough night against a butt-ugly creature with razor sharp claws and teeth... Dean's visited by an Angel.**  
><strong>**A/N:** Written especially for my dear friend Bee.  
><strong>AN2:** Lightly beta'd, by me.

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It was nearly dawn, and Dean limped toward his motel unit with a bucket of fresh ice and a six pack of beer. Wearing his usual khaki jacket, black t-shirt, jeans and boots, his left knee burned and screamed with pain like the devil himself had stuck him in the knee with a red hot poker rod. It wasn't the devil, luckily, but a seven foot butt-ugly creature with razor sharp claws and teeth that'd got him in the knee. It was only thanks to adrenalin that he'd even been able to crawl towards his silver-bullet loaded firearm, which he promptly fired into the vile creature's skull.

The thought of the tower of fur, ugly teeth and claws falling to the ground like a pile of bricks stopped Dean in his steps and his breath caught in his chest. A shiver made its way up his spine and he shuddered, only it wasn't the thought of the creature that did it, it was something else.

He felt a familiar feeling, one of being watched.

He turned quickly but painfully, his breath catching again, this time with fright and he promptly laughed, seeing a dark haired woman with hazel eyes standing before him. "You startled me," he said, his usual, charming smile affixed to his lips.

He was about to say something more, when the woman took a step toward him, her head tilting in an appraising manner which also felt very familiar. It caused Dean's smile to fade and it also made him swallow hard.

"You're wounded," the woman said with a soft voice. There was concern etched in her brow and without another word, she closed the distance between them and placed her hand against his chest.

"What the hell..." Dean murmured, when he felt a warm energy come through her hand and into his flesh. It rushed through his body and when it hit his knee, the wound tingled and suddenly his knee felt warm and it was no longer sore.

He stared at the woman, who was gazing intently into his eyes.

"Wh-Who are you?" he asked, breathless.

The woman slowly pulled her hand away, her expression one of emotional pain. "I... I can't say," she replied.

"Come on. I know you're an Angel. Tell me who you are. Are you one of the big dicks from up on high that doesn't give a rat's ass about the shit we're going through down here right now?"

She stared at him quizzically. "No." She said, adding, "I should go."

Dean thought quickly, grabbing hold of her arm at the moment she used the usual Angel Vanishing Trick. Suddenly they appeared somewhere far, far away from civilization. They stood in the middle of a field somewhere, with long grass that met them at knee level. A few short yards away was a solitary tree with very few leaves left on its branches, and beside the tree was a small wooden hut that looked like it hadn't been occupied in a very long time.

Dean looked around him, before finally turning back to the angel, who stood quietly with her gaze cast downward, and her arms wrapped around her stomach.

"Where are we?" he asked.

Taking a moment to compose herself, the angel looked towards Dean, saying, "This was a place of safety for her."

"Who?"

"Kelly Brown."

Dean shook his head. "I don't know who that is."

"My host," the angel replied, "She was born into an abusive family. Both her parents beat her. This was the only place she knew of that brought her safety."

Swallowing at her words, he asked, "Why are you telling me that?"

"Because I was too weak, and so was she. I couldn't heal her cancer, Dean, and neither could possessing her body help heal me. We're both dying."

Dean looked away, feeling in his heart that he knew who the angel before him was. Only, he couldn't believe it. It wasn't possible, yet he wanted to know for sure. He _needed _to know. "Who... are you?" he asked.

"Deep down, you already know."

He swallowed again, staring at the tree. One of the leaves of the tree floated to the ground. "Cas," he whispered.

The angel, Castiel, nodded. "It's taken every ounce of strength I could to come to you, to heal your leg and... come here, to this place. I don't have much energy or time left, Dean."

With a tentative step, Dean turned and stepped towards his angel friend. "Why didn't you come to me sooner? Sam and me, we could've figured something out. Bobby too, he would've looked everywhere for something to help you."

"I drifted, for months. It was only last night that I heard Kelly's prayers, and I... I knew this would be my last chance to do something good."

"We'll... we'll get someone to heal you. An Angel."

She shook her head, slowly. "After what I did, they won't help me. I tried and I... I was refused entry to my Father's Kingdom."

"That's bullshit. You're one of them, Cas!"

Castiel murmured, "And I'm tired, Dean. After thousands of years... I just want to sleep."

Dean raked his fingers through his hair and shook his head. "No! I don't accept that. You don't get to just lie down and let the Leviathans fuck this planet sideways!" he yelled, his heart racing fast. "You don't get to quit!"

A tear streaked Castiel's face, and she began walking.

He followed after her. "You don't get to be gone for months, then show up one night to say goodbye!"

She stopped, and Dean stopped right behind her. He was so close, his every breath brushed against Castiel's long, dark hair. "I meant only to help you one last time, not say goodbye," she said, turning slowly. Another tear rolled down her cheek. "Goodbye... would hurt too much."

His own tears welling in his eyes, Dean clenched his jaw. "So does you dying. I know, because for months that's all I've believed. That you were gone. _Forever_."

"I wanted to reach you, Dean. I tried, and I couldn't."

"I don't care that you couldn't. You're here now and you don't get to quit on me."

Her face crumpled, "If every part of my soul didn't hurt, if I had the energy to continue on, I would. But you have to face the facts here Dean."

"No I don't, because you're not going to die."

Castiel looked at him pleadingly, "I'm already dying. You can't change that."

"The hell I can't. I've already lost too many loved ones to count; I'm not going to lose you too. Not again."

Castiel stepped up to him then, gently placing her trembling hand on his chest, over his heart. "Those you lost reside in here," she said, her voice soft. "When I'm gone, so will I."

Dean clenched his jaw again and took hold of Castiel's hand. "I hate you."

"No," she murmured, tilting her head in that way Castiel always did. "You don't."

She pulled away from him then, and continued walking.

Dean watched as his angel friend walked through the long, amber glowing grass towards the hut. He squeezed his eyes shut, hating that he had to go through this alone. That was his life though. Being alone and doing everything alone. Even when he was with his dad or brother, he never felt whole. He never felt anything but all alone, feeling as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders, and like everything that could and would happen was all on him.

When he opened his eyes, the unshed tears he'd tried to hold in ran freely down his face. The cool air brushed against the dampness, and Dean looked towards Castiel again. She was very close to the hut now, her long dark hair moving gently in the wind, her white blouse aglow from the rising sun, and he _hated _this, he hated that this and every other shitty thing in life _had_ to happen.

Castiel opened the creaky door of the hut, a sound that caused Dean's heart to suddenly ache worse than it already was. She left the door open, and as she stepped inside Dean finally started walking. He stepped with trepidation, and when he neared the doorway he bent his head and stepped inside.

Over by the far side of the small hut was Castiel, sitting on the dusty and leaf-covered floor. From this distance, Dean could tell her breathing was labored.

"No one ever found her here," Castiel said, her tired eyes panning the room. She stopped at Dean, lifted her gaze to meet his. "She asked me to bring her here, for our final resting place."

His heart aching heavily, Dean stepped towards Castiel and sat down on the ground alongside her, his back resting against the cold, wooden wall. After a quiet moment, he said, "Even though I didn't really believe... I always thought angels were like God, and they could live forever."

"They can, and some probably will," Castiel replied, her voice beginning to tremble. "But we can also die."

The words hit Dean again and he felt more tears prickle his eyes.

"Before I came to you, I... I went to Sam," she said.

He looked sidelong at her, "What? Why?"

"When I drifted... I learned of a way to defeat the Leviathans."

He arched an eyebrow, "How?"

"It's a long explanation... which I've instructed Sam to tell you."

He nodded. "Okay."

Castiel rested her head against the wall, and sighed. It was a happy seeming sigh, and there was a small smile on her lips, which seemed quite strange to Dean considering Castiel had said she was dying. "I enjoyed much of our time together," she told him. "Life with you was... nothing like I expected."

Dean leaned his head back against the wall too, looking sidelong at her. "Likewise."

They sat in a long and continued silence, neither speaking. Even though the sun had come up more and the air around them started to warm, Castiel began to shiver.

"Here," Dean said, and he leaned forward, removing his jacket. He was about to place it around Castiel, when she stopped him. "You're cold," he said, his own voice shaking.

"I'm not afraid... Dean. You shouldn't be... either."

Dean tried to form words, to tell Castiel just how much his friendship had meant to him through all these years, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead a tear rolled freely down his cheek.

Lifting a trembling hand, Castiel touched Dean's face, brushing the tear from his cheek with her thumb. "Thank you, my friend."

Her hand began to slip, and she began to fall too. Dean caught her in his arms, letting Castiel rest against his chest. He could feel each of his friend's breaths grow slower.

More tears left his eyes, and it was when Castiel's arm fell to his lap that his breath caught and he held it, waiting and listening. No other breath came from Castiel and Dean closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face.

After a moment he cried out, "God no... don't take him!" He waited for a divine response. He prayed for one in his mind, but nothing happened.

Dean held his friend's body in his arms until his sobs ceased. And when they ceased, he leaned his head against the wall and willed himself to go back to sleep and wake up in a world where he hadn't just lost his best friend. He repeated the same, pleading prayers over and over until sleep pulled him from his thoughts into a dreamless slumber.

It felt like only minutes had passed since his eyes closed, but when they fluttered open, darkness greeted Dean with alarm. His arms still holding Castiel, he rested his head against the wall with a sad exhale. "How can you let Your child die?" he asked aloud, angrily. "He did everything for You. _Everything_!"

Dean closed his eyes, and was startled when he felt a slowly rising and falling breath – not his own, but Castiel's.

"C-Cas?" he asked, touching his hand to the Angel's back.

Very slowly, Castiel moved. She sat up slowly, and from the limited light from the moon, Dean could see on her face a look of confusion. "I should be dead. I... I was _dying_."

"No, Cas. You _died_," Dean said, and both of them stared at one another. "How are you... not dead?"

Castiel went to shake her head, when a sound only she could hear sounded and she suddenly looked skyward, through the broken roof overhead. Dean sat forward, trying to see if he could see what Castiel could, but there was nothing but stars, clouds and the moon there.

Whatever it was finishished and Castiel lowered her gaze to Dean's. Their faces were only a couple inches apart. "Who or what was it you saw or heard?" Dean asked, confused.

"I paid my debt. A human death for... _everything_ I did."

"What does that mean, exactly?"

She lowered her gaze for a few seconds, before meeting Dean's again. "I... no longer have wings."

He raised both eyebrows, "You're human?"

"That is... how it would seem."

Dean nodded slowly, when he stopped, and pulled Castiel into a hug. His elation was quickly mixed with the sudden realization that Castiel was now female, and human, and both were going to take a _lot _of getting used to.


End file.
